Little note to myself

I always believe everyone has got a darker side in them.

I'm a bitter person inside and I knew that. There are moment in a day I just wanted to be left alone, so that I can have a moment of peace in mind to think over what to do with myself. I need space, a lot of it, not because I'm afraid of being hurt, or annoyed, or irritated by others, but I'm afraid of me losing control over myself and hurt others.

Sometimes anger just sprang up for no apparent reason, some other time I'm just agitated or maybe  frustrated. People around may have done things unintentionally and may not even noticed they've done something very irritating. Small little trivial things like pulling my sheets of notes while I'm not done writing on it is one, feeding my dogs leftover table scraps and think that is doing me a great favor is another, nagging and keep talking about things which I'm not interested to know ( and I've no business knowing) does kill my patience. Those little things in others' eyes irritates me, and on moment I need space for myself, my anger and frustration been magnified to the max.

I have no idea why, but I seems to be able to think with a clearer mind at night, especially hours when others begin to settle down, about to end their day with a good rest, I felt calm. Peaceful moments like that are difficult to get during day time when everyone's busy babbling about something everywhere and expect you to be part of their little circles. I suppose I'm just one of those who fail QC during production yet manage to slipped through my Maker's eyes.

People fear me, not because I'm fearful. They're afraid of the unknown, I can't explain why I work in such a manner, but if given the opportunity to choose between working with a group of hippies in exchange for a satisfying process, and working alone on my part of the job and later refer back to the group, I suppose I just prefer working alone. It speed things up so much faster, and constantly checking with the host keep me on the right track. That word, anti social doesn't fit in my description, I'm a social person, I love working in a team where everyone's comfortable working with each other, knowing when to give space and respect each other; not in an environment that every Tim Dick or Harry shakes their hand in front and later bitch about each other at the back. Seen those on daily basis in school and that just put me off.

I've lost a lot yet I too gained something else in my current state of life. I guess that's just a normal thing for growing up, the price which everyone had to pay. Innocent days were long gone, and I hated that a lot. Those were the days where friends can come together, throwing insults to each other during disagreements and later get over it with a simple handshake, or maybe a cuppa tea and some cookies. Today is the time where you threw insults at others, they will smile and said never mind, then later turn around to stab you while you're not looking. Then complain about not having a true friend whom they can share their thoughts and secrets together, irony huh?

I'm glad I did pick Teh Pao up from roadside two years back. I'm lucky because I made the right choice in keeping her instead of doing my parents' bidding to send her away. I couldn't blend into college life, not because I don't want to, but I just don't feel comfortable with people knowing both sides of me, exposing myself to unnecessary troubles. I suppose people like me does have a Bunbury, living a life here and another life somewhere else. I'm glad I kept Teh Pao with me. She never judge, she just accept me for who I am,filling in gaps and leaving me some space for myself.

My little Kiska

And I wonder why those efforts? Because it's morale to be polite and keep the displeased in our heart so that we can keep the good relationship going? I suppose everyone have their own way in living, until I figure out why and how, I suppose I'm just comfortable keeping close company with handful of people.