It's almost three in the morning, woke up from a nightmare, first and the worst in 2015.
It came with the setting of the future, Teh Pao looks frail in her old age, suffering from some sort of sickness, hospitalized in the vet and pain management no longer works. I brought her home, trying to make her comfortable in the last few days of her moment, took her out for her favourite car rides, visiting playgrounds with lots of slide towers, eating our food off our plates which usually a no no at home, preparations where made where friends, family and neighbours whom she adores came to bid her farewell, including her favourite vet who occasionally called her a fatty boom boom in our jokes came , and then it is time for her to bid farewell.
I woke up with tears strimming down my cheek, heart broken, thinking I've lost this smart, mischievous, little companion of mine, just to broke into hysterical laugh to realise that was a dream, and this faithful dog of mine is sleeping soundly, safely with her favourite soft toy tugging along.
If this nightmare is a person, I would tell her what a fucking bitch she is.
We've been through thicks and thins together over this short few years. Teh Pao is no doubt an imperfect dog, one that pulls on leash when walked by strangers, constantly challenging and pushing boundaries with visitors, a glutton, sometimes got herself into little troubles by sneaking into neighbours' houses to say hi.. She has been around during my darkest days, offerings more than just being a companion, she was also the anchor for me to seek and search that compassion which I had buried deep down inside long time ago. We've grew to understand each other, our needs, our limits, and we've also learn new things from each others, and the opportunities that arise during the learning processes. She is the benefactor of my recklessness, for picking up a young pup on a cold rainy evening; I'm the benefactor of her presence, from the day she opened her eyes and began that first little step, that first bark, and of course those stinky poops and pees, not forgetting the destructive behaviours for a young pup, rebellious juvenile, and later emerged as this smart feller who goes around wooing the hearts of many in this family and neighbourhood. I've learn so much through this process of being a dog owner, a first time, unprepared, teenager and now an adult, I've learn to give and take, to forgive, to recognise the contribution and efforts of another despite the end results are failures, to control and channel this hot temper of mine to physical workouts, and to learn to interact with people around, drew closer to younger brother, and to know people from different walks of life.
I'm just glad this dog of mine, this little dog with little ambition but a huge heart would continue to stay healthy, happy, and safe, It breaks my heart to think of the possibilities in future, what if she did get sick and suffer from tremendous amount of pain that pain management no longer works, am I willing to break my own heart and let her go, setting her free from the sufferings, or am I going to cling upon that selfishness of mine just to keep her around for a little while more so that I can continue to seek comfort from her? I suppose many pet owners dreaded that day when we all have to make a decision, but it is no doubt a question what nobody can avoid.